Deal: Crisis Insurance

Written by THE SALESMAN WHO MAKES ENTIRE GALAXIES ENDENTURED SERVANTS (independent)

Are you tired of extragalactic entities appearing out of practically nowhere and attempting to purge all life in the name of some eldrich God, insatiable age, or own stupidity?

Well, too bad. It's going to keep happening. But I, THE SALESMAN WHO MAKES ENTIRE GALAXIES ENDENTURED SERVANTS have the next best thing: Crisis insurance! If you sign up with us, you may be eligible for a payout on the condition that you survive and are attacked by a genocidal force seeking the extermination or destruction of all others. Indeed, you could earn a quick buck from the inevitable destruction of your poor, stupid worlds with their between millions and trillions of weak, pathetic and worthless sapient citizens, residents, slaves, and purgees.

What is eligible for crisis insurance? Anything you can put a flag on in a nation. Sapients, stellar bodies, territory, and so on! If you lose it and prove that it was lost to a crisis faction, you get a payout! Just don't try to lie to us! I have a personal HOLIG army with claws laced with several life-extending drugs, so I can assure you a slow and painful death if you dare cross me.

Earn a quick buck on the lives of countless citizens you don't care about for the low, low price of one trillion souls of the innocent! If you give only women and children for us to torment for all eternity, you get a 5% discount.

Don't wait! Don't delay! DON'T LIE TO ME!