Deal: Circumnavigate THE PLANET OF SEVENTEEN TRILLION RAVENOUS LEECHES CAPABLE OF EXTINGUISHING ENTIRE STARS, and We'll Leave You Alone

Written by THE SALESMAN WHO MAKES ENTIRE GALAXIES ENDENTURED SERVANTS (independent)

Picture this: You are going about your meaningless, unnoticed and unappreciated day when a fleet of 1st-generation Phi-Technology ships appears in orbit of your planet, obliterating your home's orbital defense platforms and fleets within minutes, before deploying tens of thousands of invasion shuttles and drop pods. One of those lands right in front of you, and to your horror a twelve-foot tripedal abomination with a gaping maw and three arms thicker than your torso exits. Before you have time to react beyond instinctual horror, they leap towards you and rip you apart, throwing your screaming torso and head into their maw.

If this has ever happened to you, you may want to consider getting away from GOR-GON'GILLA. Except your nation has only been spacefaring for a mere two-thousand years, and cannot hope to outrun, hide from, or otherwise avoid our two-million-year-old warfleets. For all intents and purposes, your situation is utterly hopeless and you can only hope that we decide to kill all of you later.

Until today, that is! I am a reasonable GOR-GON'GILLA, and I am willing to give you, the people of Milky Way, a chance. A chance I call Challenge Swimming.

How does it work? If a single one of you puny morsels can circumnavigate THE PLANET OF SEVEN TRILLION RAVENOUS LEECHES CAPABLE OF EXTINGUISHING ENTIRE STARS (pictured below) by swimming and survive, we will spare your galaxy for one thousand years! That's no raiding and pillaging, no declarations of war (unless one of you rig our elections, then all bets are off), and even opportunities to join our empire!